Gold & Guns
by ShinigamiMailJeevas
Summary: It has been years since Mello left Wammys House... and years since he has seen his friend. Mello comes to realize that perhaps, he should have taken him along. MM Written for DiabolicaJeevas.
1. Part 1: Gold Guns Girls

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Death Note.

**AN:** OK DiabolicaJeevas, you wanted a fic where I slung together 5 of my ideas, and now you have it! No idea how long it will actually be as it DOES have some plot in it. :)

I will state the idea and such at the end so as to not spoil anything. Word of warning though, just because I end a chapter doesn't mean that one idea has run its course.

**Suggested Listening**: Gold Guns Girls **by** Metric (inspired this particular piece)

_~Part One~_

It wasn't the hourglass curves of her body, or her supple breasts or even her seemingly perfectly crafted buttocks that had caught his attention as she danced on the stage.

No; it was the too long red hair and green eyes that were a shade too light. Mello sighed. She reminded him of Matt and despite the grins on his comrade's faces, it was the o_nly _reason he was looking at her. He sipped at his alcoholic beverage, something with chocolate in it, and sighed slowly again, tipping his head back for a moment. He had only recently begun to think of Matt every time he saw a flash of red hair or green eyes. It was safe to say that he missed his friend terribly… and perhaps even more than he would be willing to admit, even to himself.

But anything concerning the redhead would need to wait, he reminded himself, as he glanced at his mafia associates with a frown. He couldn't afford to bring Matt into this world. Matt who had only seen the mafia from the depictions the tiny screens of his games gave him. Matt who was far too out-of-touch with the real world to handle something like this...

The girl on stage, who couldn't have been more than eighteen, stopped dancing as the lights dimmed to darkness and someone new took the stage, but walked in her stilettos and attached her body to the pole in front instead. Mello sighed. He really didn't want to waste his time there; he had plans to go over, things to check and even more to come up with.

He was battling Near and Kira and didn't need this sort of thing in the way.

"Hey baby!" the girl who had previously been on stage called to him, sauntering up to him, though despite her wide grin none of her enthusiasm reached her eyes. He wasn't surprised really. Mello's eyes narrowed, however, as she seated herself in his lap. "Your friend asked me to make you feel good, what do you say?" her full lips pulled back further to show her bright smile and he glared spitefully at the mafia men off to his left, Rod Ross being one of them.

Ross grinned back at him, whore in his lap and a drink in his hand. Mello scoffed. What a disgusting display, and the thing wiggling it's hips on his lap no better.

No, Mello decided, he truly did not want to be there.

He had known it was a bad idea to go to the club at Rod's insistence, an adult entertainment one, but he hadn't been able to get out of it this time. Everyone at the base was convinced he needed to clam down and de-stress or he was going to give himself a heart-attack before Kira ever could. And by de-stress they all naturally meant get laid.

Mello frowned as the redhead, practically topless now, ran her hands across his leather covered chest.

It wasn't that he hadn't had sex, he was in the mafia and it was and unavoidable event, he just wasn't into it in the least. It did nothing for him that his own hand couldn't accomplish on its own. Or perhaps it was that he'd had sex with a woman. It hadn't been enjoyable in the slightest.

Despite that he found himself getting hard as her hand went to rub him through the leather; how could he not with that stimulation? He sighed as he heard cries of 'just go fuck her' and 'get yourself laid before you come back to base'.

There truly didn't seem to be a way to get out of the situation. "Come on." he muttered sourly to the girl whose eyes widened slightly as he pushed her from his lap before her grin was right back in place. Mello didn't bother to look back at Ross or the others; he knew they were all grinning.

He allowed her to tug him in the direction of the V.I.P rooms, made especially for high paying clientele who wanted a more private taste of the show. Mello hated places like this. The room was very sparse, painted a light blue with white curtains and a dimly lit chandelier type fixture hanging from the ceiling, and a red velvet covered bed.

The moment the door was shut the girl took a step back and began to unfasten her skimpy top. "I won't be having sex with you so there's no need." he took in her surprised look as well as her flinch when he passed her by to simply sit against the wall on the other side of the room.

"How long does one usually take in this situation?" he asked. The girl looked at him, somewhat nervously, and he supposed he had thrown her a curve ball, so to speak.

"A-anywhere from one to three hours..." she stumbled over her words and stood there awkwardly, as though not having sex was something strange and weird.

"I'll stay for an hour and a half in that case. Do what you like for that time, but _do not_ touch me." he stated clearly before closing his eyes and crossing his arms. Mello heard the girl hesitantly walk over to the bed and sit down and had no doubt she was watching him curiously.

He shifted slightly to ease some of the pressure he felt, his semi-erect penis uncomfortable inside his tight leather trousers.

It was going to be a long night...

_-End Part One-_

**AN:** So the original scene was simply the beginning two paragraphs. That's it. I came up with the idea while on a car trip and had to type it into the memo-pad of my phone or risk loosing the idea. And until D told me to make a fic with five of my (rather many homeless) ideas it was simply collecting dust.

If you look for it, it's not hard to tell where this is going. But it connects two other ideas so it was pefect for the fic. And I COULD have made Mello have sex with her, but really, who wanted that? :)

Review?


	2. Part 2: Rude Boy

Gold & Guns Part 2

**Disclaimer**: I dont own Death Note or Kira would have eaten Near's eyeballs with a spoon... XD

**AN**: Some things may seem odd or out of place, but be reminded this is slightly AU. :)

**Suggested Listening**: Rude Boy by Rihanna

Part 2

_~Rude Boy~_

Mello roared into the mafia base, sometime around three hours later, on his motorbike. He had only spent the required time at that club, making sure to threaten the girl into silence as he was sure his odd request would have been huge talk among them, and he was utterly exhausted with everything.

But there was still so much to do and no time to rest at the moment.

Kira wasn't resting, so neither could he.

Mello shrugged off his jacket and tossed it onto a chair on the way in and plopped down onto the couch, hardly making a dent in the plush material suggesting he far too light even for his slender frame. And perhaps he was, with the lack of sleep and eating habits almost entirely made up of chocolate.

It wasn't healthy, not in the least, but Mello wasn't concerned about dying from malnutrition anytime soon. He had a much better chance of Kira killing him first. He pulled a neatly foiled bar of chocolate from his pocket and let his lips curl into a vicious smirk as all eyes were on him. He tilted his head down ever so slightly as he snapped off a piece of the dark bar and watched as many averted their eyes.

He silently dared someone to comment, in any way, about the events at the club. They wouldn't of course, being more than put off by his smirk, but he waited none the less. He was tired, irritated, and _frustrated._ It was not a good combination in the least. But they didn't know about the first or last. Concealer did wonders for the dark bags under his eyes.

When no one had even so much as said one word to him, nearly seven minutes later, he drew a leg up onto the couch and rested his arm on his knee, letting the chocolate dangle from his fingertips.

"We are going to go over the plans to kidnap Director Takimura." he told them, because they would whether they liked it or not.

"You, boy, have a one track mind." Ross commented with his teeth showing. "And might just be entirely hopeless..." he said around a sip of something-or-other alcohol in a glass.

Mello snapped off a piece of chocolate to hide his grin.

The other men were less than thrilled at being drilled over and over on the information of the kidnapping, which was days away, but none of them complained, at least not in earshot of him. He kept at it until he was certain that they wouldn't fuck it up; not that he wouldn't force the plan down their throats the day of the kidnapping, but he couldn't afford to have something go wrong.

It was late, or early depending on one's perspective, and Mello knew the men, including Ross, wouldn't tolerate him much longer. He may have shot his way to the top, quite literally, but that didn't mean Ross allowed him complete free reign to order everyone around. If he did, things would get done far faster.

Mello didn't bother with any pleasantries and simply vacated the room, tossing the empty foil wrapper into the trash on the way out as he grabbed his jacket. He wouldn't be leaving the base that night, not so close to the beginning of his plans, but that didn't mean he didn't have things to do.

Such as shower to rid himself of the feeling of that girl's grimy hands all over him. He frowned at the sensation of the invisible hands on him. He really hated clubs like that...

Once the door to his quarters were shut he stripped naked and walked into the bathroom, not bothering to close the door, and flipped the light on. The small bathroom was cast in a dingy yellow light that played on every crack in the tile and spider-webbed flaw in the wall. The paint was chipped in places, water stains visible, but it was better than what he had in his apartment.

At least here, the shower worked.

He turned the water to hot and stepped inside. His brain set off on auto-pilot and he let his mind drift as he washed himself. There was so much to do once Takimura was in their possession, so much information to gain, and Mello honestly wasn't sure where it would lead him.

Mello just wanted everything finished. His fists clenched in his hair and he snarled. He would beat Near if it was the last fucking thing he ever did. He would get Kira's head on a platter and send it to that condescending little bastard. He would even pay for it to be overnighted.

Or maybe waltz in with the tray on his palm like a waiter just to see what expression Near might give. Mello snorted; Near would still probably keep that blank emotionless stare even if he were to shoot him.

He removed his fingers from his hair, strands being pulled out in the process, and forced thoughts of Near from his mind. He had no time for the albino at the moment.

Mello sighed heavily, forcing the anger out of himself with one large expelling of breath, and leaned against the shower wall and simply let the water roll down his back and the building steam warm him.

Maybe... after all of this... he would get back in contact with Matt... he missed him as much as he hated Near...

Maybe.

.

.

Nearly a week and a half later Mello smirked as he walked out of the room where Director Takimura was being held. The kidnapping had gone off without a hitch, not that his plan had any flaws, other than the people he had to rely on.

Ross had been pleased, as though he hadn't actually expected it to happen the way he said despite Mello having proved himself time and time again in the past. But it didn't matter…. Because Mello had gotten some interesting information, as well as an outline of a plan.

The Director didn't seem to know about the Death Note, so it was such a closely guarded secret that the Kira taskforce hadn't even told their superiors. It was rather amusing. He had also confirmed a few suspicions of his own.. ones that he wondered if Near had even confirmed, though that brat usually only _assumed_ things and never actually took the time to work them out.

He grinned suddenly. Two murder notebooks….. and he was going to obtain them both. No matter what he had to do…

"Mello."

His attention was drawn to Ross, who had an odd gleam in his eyes, one that Mello didn't like. One that suggested he would loose his good mood, and quickly.

"Some of the boys are going out to celebrate. Why don't you go with them?" Ross suggested in a friendly yet firm tone. Mello narrowed his eyes. He didn't have time for idiocy like that. Though telling Ross as much had merely gotten a laugh out of him and no more.

"Get going, I heard it's going to be good at the club tonight. Treat yourself."

Mello grit his teeth. He had so much planning to do, things to go over and iron out to make sure he obtained the murder notebooks… and Ross was forcing him into a night of mind numbing boredom.

He nearly snarled at the man but simply walked from the room. Mello wasn't the boss and therefore could not ignore a 'suggestion' when it was thrown his way, despite how much sway he generally had with everyone. There were just some times when Ross would not budge, and as much as Mello would love to simply kill him, he didn't have time to deal with the backlash from the others at such an action.

He didn't bother to change, simply slipping on a pair of large pair of black sunglasses, before he stalked out to his bike. He heard the quiet murmurs of the men already gathered, idiots who simply wanted to use their success as an excuse to get drunk and fuck anything around them; Mello despised them. And they seemed to realize they were the reason he was going to the club with them, and stayed a good amount of distance away from him even as they drove away from the base.

The slightly chilled wind served to calm Mello's building anger and he was able to relax, ever so slightly, during the ride there. The feeling however, ebbed away the moment he spotted the flashy lights of the clubs advertisements as the building became closer and closer.

Mello slid into a spot in the furthest corner of the parking lot, away from a lot of the lights, and sighed as he walked through the doors. He heard the others step in beside him but went off to his own dark corner a little ways off to the back of the stage.

He was as secluded as one could get in the small building.

He didn't bother to take off his glasses, not needing to with the stage illuminated. How in the hell had he been forced into going to a club not once, but twice, in the same damn month? Somehow, and he didn't care how anymore, he wasn't going again.

Mello ground his teeth together as a woman, scantily clad, sauntered up to him. "Would you like something to drink?" her lips were painted a pale shade of red, almost a pink, and she had almost too much eye shadow on.

Mello muttered something, not really paying much attention as he probably would only sip at it, drink half at the most, and instead let his eyes wander. He found it exceedingly hard to find a spot of the establishment that didn't have something, even if only slightly, sexual going on.

Really, was it necessary?

Mello spotted, across the club, a few scattered groups if women chatting with each other, and wondered if there was something extra going on in the club that night, but in the end it was simply a passing thought. He sighed and took his drink as the waitress came back, well aware that his fellow mafia associates had seated themselves close by. He wondered if Ross had perhaps asked to make sure he stayed a while.

Mello rolled his eyes. He wouldn't enjoy it, but he would stay. He would simply have to plan while in the presence of such a place. Mello watched as the lights dimmed on the stage and the woman had walked off with all of her made money.

He quirked his eyebrow at an announcement of a _special _performance for the ladies in the club. A male performer.

Mello heard the groans of protest from the men, knowing they had looked away from the stage for the time being, and the cheers of the ladies and the homosexual men there. But Mello simply couldn't look away; the sight drawing him in like a moth to a flame. The pale body that did sexual things on that stage had red hair, the color of flames, and a pair of green goggles covering their eyes.

And if Mello's full attention hadn't been on that boy before, who looked no older than himself, it would have been the second he caught sight of the tattooed mushroom on his upper left hip.

Mello remembered the night when Matt had snuck out of Wammys to get a tattoo because he had dared him to get one. Matt had come back with a green and white mushroom on his hip. The very same of the dancer on stage.

"Jesus.." he muttered as the pale body swayed along the pole. What the fuck had happened to Matt to make him work _here_, of all places?

_-End Part 2-_

**AN:** so…. Was anyone not expecting this? (*is dead from work….. ask D.. I complain about it enough*)

**Special thanks to reviewers**: sareyva, OlivineWK, Miharu is Haruka's Love Child, critter141151, GogglesAndVideoGamesOhJoy, DiabolicaJeevas, AlchemyOtaku0922 (i had put you but for some reason it deleted you!)

**Review**?


	3. Part 3: Here with Me

Gold & Guns Part 3

**Disclaimer: **Do I really HAVE to put one in every damn chapter of ever GD fic? You'd think that if I put it ONCE in a fic, you'd get that I DONT OWN A DAMN THING FOR DEATH NOTE!

**AN: **Erm... I told DiabolicaJeevas that I would write this yesterday... does it count that I started it at 11:45pm? And I now have the rest of the fic, mostly, mapped out (though anyone who actually talks to me knows exactly how very vague 'mapped out' means... heh)

And now let me just say WOW! For all the reviews I got. :)

**Q/A Time **

**Q**: Matt's mushroom tattoo, are the white spots on the mushroom just not inked or is there white tattoo ink?

**A:** I pictured it as white ink. :)

**Q:** And why a mushroom?

**A:** why not? He was NOT getting a gameboy or pokemon tattoo… or Mello……

**Suggested Listening:** Here With Me **by **Dido

Part 3

_~Here With Me~_

Matt was shocked. And he shouldn't have been in all honesty. He knew this… And yet… he couldn't help the small intake of breath at what Roger was announcing to the entirety of Wammys gathered children.

L was never coming back...

Because L was dead…

And Kira was responsible.

What was worse, in Matt's opinion, was that he didn't see Mello anywhere. He hadn't seen Mello since Roger had called him and Near to his office earlier…!

Matt's eyes widened; Roger must have told them first, as they were the closest to succession, more so than even himself at third. And if that were true, then Mello would most definitely be devastated by the news.

Matt didn't bother to look for him in the crowd of students gathered and instead slipped from the meeting room. Mello wouldn't be there, he wouldn't want to be around anyone else at the moment, and Matt honestly couldn't blame him.

It was a tossup, however, as to what Mello's reaction was. Rage… Or sadness.

And when he saw the door to their shared room was swung open, cracked against the wall, he knew that Mello's rage had trumped all other emotions. He treaded carefully into the room, fully expecting Mello to still be in a throwing things stage, and was confused by the utter silence in the room.

Things wereall thrown across the room, Matt noticed that the blonde had seemed to at least _try_ not to ruin his games, and clothes were half tossed out of the dressers…

But Mello wasn't there.

Matt stepped further into the room and noted how the clothes seemed more hastily pulled out rather than thrown about in a rage. His eyes traveled to the open closet, and to the missing jacket and extra pair of shoes…

And to the piece of paper, seemingly random, situated on his bed.

Matt hesitated, unable to understand why exactly, before tentatively picking up the paper. His fingers clenched around the paper, nearly crumbling it in his grasp, at the seven words hastily scrawled across the surface.

_-L is dead. Near is L._

_~Mello-_

And then everything made sense. The missing clothes, the absent blonde and the letter. Mello had left Wammys. Had left _him_…

And Matt could honestly say that his world had just tumbled out from beneath him.

.

.

Matt just couldn't seem to find it in himself to play his games. He looked blankly at the gameboy that sat limply in his grasp and pushed it away. His goggles rested on the dresser beside the bed, though he generally only took them off to sleep. He wasn't tired.

He wasn't really... anything... at the moment.

All he could seem to do was think about his friend, the one that had abandoned him, just like his family had. Just like _everyone _had...

Mail's parents had abandoned him when he was very little, though he could still remember their faces perfectly. They hadn't wanted him. Literally. He had been unplanned and had messed up their perfect little lives. They had kept him long enough for him to know his parents, four years, get attached to them and then out of the blue they left him with a distant relative and moved on as though they had never had him in the first place.

It had hurt so damn much, but the tears had dried quickly.

It wasn't the best environment to cry in, and he had understood that, even on a small level, at his young age. Living in that place... had been hell. At the very least, he had grown accustomed to not eating so much.

Anything he learned was from books or when the old man was asleep and he could use the slow desktop computer. It was a blessing when the old man finally died just after Mail had turned eight. He had eaten so much food that night that he had made himself sick, but the smile had never left his face.

Mail had been taken to Wammys after that, apparently he was a self taught genius, and given the name of Matt, where he met the blonde known as Mello. They had hit it of right from the start, though Matt believed it was because he had offered the blonde his chocolate pudding...

Mello had become his family... the only one who had ever seemed to truly care... and yet... Mello too had abandoned him without so much as a face to face goodbye. Was he really so worthless that no one wanted him?

He expelled a breath slowly and kept his eyes glued at the world outside of the window, simply staring blankly and not really _seeing _anything he laid eyes on. He curled closer to the pillow and breathed in Mello's scent. He missed his friend... and he had no way of knowing if he was alright or even alive anymore...

His fingers curled tightly into the fabric of the well worn comforter. How many days had he simply lain there, absently, doing nothing? He supposed it was a good thing Roger was too busy with _Near _to notice his absence from daily life at Wammys. Or perhaps he just didn't care.

Matt's chest ached... and he knew... simply _knew_, that he couldn't stay in this place any longer. It would kill him. But for now, just for a little longer, he wanted to breathe in that familiar scent.

_-End Part 3-_

**AN: **Hahahah I was laughing as I read some of the reviews left, as everyone assumed a confrontation would take place this chapter. Nope. It wasn't what I had planned for it at all. :)

So the original idea for this part was simply 'Mello leaves after L dies and Matt falls apart' I never did anything with it as its been done to death (and its a bit similar to other stuff i have lol) but it fit well for the 5-Idea-Fic DiabolicaJeevas wanted me to write. :)

Other notes for it were simply as follows:

_(i dont want to call my friends cuz they might wake me from this dream)_ - he is sleeping on mello's bed and breathing in his scent, staring blankly at the window.

Seem familiar right? That's literally the only prompt I had for this part. :)

**Special thanks to reviewers**: Yaoiluver190, Living in a fantasy, nyao, foreverunloved, critter141151, Meep, Ash, Miss-Dreev, ROBOT UNICORN, Ravens Bane, Atreyl, Keono, OlivineWK, Secret Nerd97, malikmokubalover1, Zellicy, DeathNotes-M-Chan, GogglesAndVideoGamesOhJoy, Miharu is Haruka's Love Child, crownedclown3293, AlchemyOtaku0922

**Review**?


	4. Part 4: Come Closer

**Disclaimer: **read previous one.

**AN:** *evil grin*

**Suggested Listening:** Come Closer **by** Delain (seriously listen to it for this, I wrote it to the song......) Fallen Angel **by** L'ame Immortelle (kida fits the mood)

Part 4

_~Come Closer~ _

Matt closed his eyes behind his goggles and went onto auto-pilot as the sight of the blonde in the crowd brought back unwanted memories. So much so that he could no longer feel the slowly heating metal of the pole his hands slid across.

He could feel the rain as it beat down on his soaked form, as he sat under a tree on the roadside, a far, far distance from Wammys; towns away even. He had walked until his blistered feet couldn't hold him up anymore, until he couldn't handle the stares of the townsfolk, until he simply couldn't muster another _ounce_ of energy to even lift his head.

The rain had simply been one more thing in his already bitter existence and he hadn't even flinched as his soft cottony clothing had become drenched from something other than sweat. He didn't care; he had simply needed to get away from that place. That place that had been a horrid reminder of everything. Of Mello.

Who had betrayed him when he had left. Mello who he had thought was his friend... Mello...

His heart beat fast in his chest, head pounding as though feeling the reverberations of some drum, and he leaned further against the tree which provided only the slightest bit of protection. He wanted to go to sleep... and with how utterly tired he was..... perhaps even stay asleep.

He could hear the rain, the soft yet heavy sounds, as it descended around him, blanketing him in frigid warmth. He couldn't remember falling asleep but he remembered waking up, clothes damp, aching all over, feeling feverish, and hoping that everything had simply been a dream.

The sunlight was bright and burnt his sore eyes, the air felt cold and the wind rattled the branches of the old tree he had called his bed. He needed to move, despite how utterly painful and dizzying it was to do so. He couldn't stay or he would die.

His feet stung as he took each step, vision blurred, heart leaping from exertion, and he hugged his arms close to his chilled body. He would not survive another night like that with the clothing he had. With the meager supplies he had.

So he did what he had to…

He stole from people, simply to have enough money for something hot to be in his belly for the night. He shoplifted, when the money didn't quite cut it. He got into small fights, to keep his pathetic possessions, the only things keeping him alive at the moment.

He threw away his goggles when the lenses became too cracked.

The next had been the stripes as the shirt had been too dirty to wear anymore, to even clean. His spare clothes being the same, and everything he shoplifted had to be dull in color and not eye-catching like stripes were.

The last were the games, not having enough money to live never mind get batteries for the handheld.

He took the pills that had been offered to him by a fellow _homeless_ teen. He couldn't even protest, too high to care, as his virginity was taken from him in that back alley so far from comfort. He let it happen again, and again, and again just for a taste of the mind numbing drugs.

He ran from the police who had caught him stealing, ignoring the stinging in his arm from where it had been twisted painfully behind him. And used his knowledge of computers, while at a cafe, to buy himself a ticket out of that hell, out of England.

He let himself be abused, to get a forged passport.

It didn't get better once he got to the states, having no money. He was still homeless, still too young to pass for a working age and still not having money or access to a computer.

He had gotten into all sorts of bad things, trying anything once just for a place to stay the night, a place to get a meal, a place to stay warm. He wondered, almost incessantly if it was like that for Mello, and in a way, he almost did.

But then he would immediately feel horrible wishing that on his friend. At least until he had been able to chase his thoughts away with whatever had been given to him that night. Pills, alcohol... and even forced sex. Whatever it was that rid him of his dark feelings, even if only for a moment.

He felt lost, unable to focus, and horribly alone, until someone had picked him off the streets 'seeing his potential', as it were. There had been no illusions as to what was wanted of him, being told straight up.

He was given food, shelter, clothing... and he didn't protest as he was taught the ways of the club. The _rules _of the club. And for enough money he was forced to let anyone do what they wanted with him for the night so long as it didn't leave marks that couldn't be covered up before his next performance.

It almost felt normal for him after so long, comfortable even; better than the soulless druggie he had become after Mello's departure...

And then everything had come crashing back the moment those blue eyes, attached to that leather encased body, had settled, shocked, onto him as he took the stage. Matt had _never_ expected to see him again, and had almost faltered in his routine before his training kicked in and he shoved his emotions to the back of his mind.

He wasn't really there, outside of his body, away from the prison of feelings, and was merely floating. When the music stopped he snapped back, eyes opening and locking with the blondes for an instant before the stage darkened and he was left to collect his earnings.

He knew, almost certainly, that the encounter would not end with that single solitary glance of those watchful eyes. What he couldn't decide, was if he wanted there to be a meeting or not. Matt heaved out a sigh, grinning to a coworker as he passed behind the stage, and headed for the changing rooms.

_-End Part 4-_

**AN:** bwahahah i'm such a bitch aren't I? Well, now that Matt's part is over, you get Mello's pov next chapter, good right? Heheheh we'll see......

**Special thanks to reviewers**: DiabolicaJeevas, im a molly doll, DeathNotes-Matt-Chan, Living in a fantasy, Keono, Aoayame, Nemo, Sisyphean Effort, critter141151, Miharu is Haruka's Love Child, RainbowJapan, Salvi

**Review??** it makes me more motivated to write faster.


	5. Part 5: Rain

**Disclaimer: R**ead previous one.

**Suggested Listening:** Rain **by** L'ame Immortelle

Part 5

_~Rain~ _

Mello's eyes were glued to Matt's body throughout the entire performance; his body swaying to the seductive music as his hands slid to places Mello couldn't have imagined Matt touching on his own much less with an audience.

He ignored the way it made his body ache and instead forced himself to focus on the fact that it was _Matt_. His Matt; the geek wearing the goggles. Who was _supposed_ to be safe back at Wammys, playing games and slacking his way to the top of the rankings; who stayed indoors year round and could live with nothing more than a computer and junk food.

What in the hell was he doing up on that stage? And stripping? And _touching_ himself for _money_?

Matt caught his eye for a moment, seemingly having noticed him, and Mello watched as his muscles tensed for a split second before his fluid motions were back. He had looked away and carried on as though he hadn't recognized Mello, as though he had never laid eyes on him before; and Mello might have thought that had it not been for the slight slip up.

He needed to speak to him. He didn't care what he had to do to achieve it, but he was going to speak to his friend.... though it was hard to say if Matt even considered him that anymore.

Mello watched as the lights dimmed and the music, something catchy and addictive, faded away to the background for a moment as a new song switched on, signaling the end of the performance, and the stage went completely dark. All around were groans of protest, cat calls and other things that only irritated Mello more and more.

He grit his teeth, vaguely seeing Matt's shadowed form despite the darkness, and knew that he couldn't immediately get up and go find him as the mafia was still watching him. He didn't want them to associate is departure with Matt in any way. He tensed even further as another girl took the stage, and waited hardly five minutes into the performance before he vacated his seat, trying to draw as little attention to himself as possible.

He thought he felt eyes follow him but he was _almost_ passed the point of caring. There wasn't time to worry about them; he might have already missed his chance. A young woman looked at him skeptically and protested as he headed for the changing rooms but the second he glared at her, eyes narrowing to slits, she backed away as her voice died in her throat.

The changing room was not separated into parts for male and female, nor did it have any stalls to change in as women ran about gathering items and makeup for their upcoming work. He ignored the half naked bodies around him and searched for Matt.

It wasn't difficult to find him, being the only male and the only redhead in the room. He had just placed a cream colored vest on over a black and red striped shirt, and took out what appeared to be a pack of cigarettes. When he had left Wammys, Matt had hated cigarettes, couldn't stand the smell of them...

And the tight fitting jeans and boots he wore weren't something he would have seen him wearing either. The years had changed him, at least a little. Perhaps he had been naive in thinking Matt would have stayed innocent...

Mello walked up behind him, close enough to smell the lingering smell of sweat on his body and simply stood there; Matt _knew_ he was there.

"Can I help you?" Matt commented dryly after a moment of fiddling with something in his pockets; he turned to face him and Mello didn't like the blank expression he showed him. He had hoped that Matt might have been happy to see him, if only a little, but he supposed after the way he left he shouldn't have expected a warm greeting.

"Why are you working here Matt?" he got straight to the point, having sensed that the redhead wouldn't have responded well to small talk; not that Mello really did small talk unless it involved a gun...

"It's not really any of your business." Matt told him with a shrug as he placed a cigarette in his mouth and lit it. This was not the Matt he remembered, not at all, and he was at a bit of a loss as to how to deal with him.

"What are you doing here Mello?" Matt drawled, his tone suggesting he didn't expect an answer, though the fact that Matt hadn't outright attempted to walk off was slightly reassuring. And Mello meant 'attempted', because he wasn't letting Matt walk away with out a fight. Funny how things turned out...

"I'm here on mafia business." he stated blandly watching the slight surprise flicker across Matt's face. "I practically run them and I still can't get out of certain situations when I don't have the time to deal with them." Matt snorted, leaning against the wall, and relaxed slightly. It was nothing major, but it was progress.

"Matt, come back to my apartment." he watched as Matt stiffened up and a frown played on his lips. It was obvious that Matt didn't really want anything to do with him, and Mello refused to acknowledge that it hurt a little, but he wasn't ready to give up. He had questions he wanted answered and only Matt had them.

"Please..." he forced himself to say. It did its job in unsettling Matt enough for him to narrow his eyes behind the goggles and slowly nod his head in acquiescence. There was something akin to weary curiosity in his expression and Mello had a feeling it was the only reason Matt had tentatively agreed to anything.

What had happened to change his friend so much in those past few years? He should have been safe at Wammys... but it seemed Mello had been mistaken. And he hated making mistakes.

_**-End Part 5-**_

**AN**: Eh…….. I actually hate this chapter…. I was going through a crappy few days and couldn't seem to write anything satisfactory… or at least not by my standards…. Sorry? The next chapter is much better, and like 2,000 words long. :)

**Special thanks to reviewers**: critter141151, Nemo, Meep, Living in a fantasy, im a molly doll, DeathNotes-M-Chan, DiabolicaJeevas, Sisyphean Effort, schoolkid, schoolkid, Salvi, Aoayame, Robotic unicorn, Ash, Keono, Secret Nerd97

**Review?**??


	6. Part 6: Let Me Stay

**Disclaimer**: See previous one.

**AN**: OK ...... so I did something different for this chapter...... its in two parts, and damn did I SPOIL you... don't expect it this long again. :)

Woohoo, two fic updates/postings in one day, epic right? The other one (which i will now shamelessly pimp out) is the prolouge to my new novel length fic which all of my lovely stalkers voted for the name of. It is called End Transmission.

**Suggested Listening**: Stay **by** Safetysuit; Let Me Down **by** Dead by Sunrise

Part 6

_~Let me....Stay~ _

Mello had gotten Matt to come back with him, seating himself on the back of his motorbike, rather than following him like Matt had initially wanted; Mello knew that Matt would have simply driven off rather than come with him.

As he sped through the oddly busy streets he forced himself to concentrate on the road rather than the burning feeling in the pit of his gut as Matt's arms wrapped even tighter around him to hold on. Matt was doing things to him that he hadn't expected.... and it made Mello uneasy. But for the moment, all that mattered was that Matt had at least given him a chance; a chance that Mello knew he scarcely deserved, but one that he _would_ take.

When they pulled up to the apartment he heard Matt snort softly, and though Mello probably shouldn't have been irritated, he was. He didn't stay at the apartment all that much, so he had no need of renting a luxurious one when he couldn't enjoy it.

The building itself was well worn, bricks cracked and chunks falling to the ground, locks broken, windows hastily patched with tape and noisy air conditioners rather than the modern apartments central air. The place was an absolute shit-hole, but it was home for the times he decided to actually go back.

He pocketed the keys and led the way up the well rusted stairs to his apartment on the second floor, and didn't pull them back out; instead simply turning the lock on the door and pushing into it heavily. It lurched and for a moment Mello thought he might have to do it again before the heavy, broken locked, door swung inward nearly causing him to stumble.

It was always an interesting event to get into his apartment. And as he flicked on the lights he vaguely noted that one of the hallway bulbs had gone out again but didn't give it much more than a passing thought as Matt passed by him to seat himself on the nearest piece of furniture; which happened to be a couch with more tears in it than stripes.

None of his possessions had been stolen, and Mello had expected as much. Despite the neighborhood, everyone pretty much left one another alone.

He watched as Matt pulled out his game and began to play it on silent. Mello seated himself across from Matt, on a well worn arm chair where the exposed springs poked into his legs, and uneasily snapped off a piece of chocolate and the sound seemed to echo in the silence. And yet at the sound Matt had relaxed slightly, perhaps because it was a familiar sound. One he had once grown accustomed to so long ago.

"What did you do once you left?" he knew there was no need to elaborate, as Matt would know he had meant Wammys. But all he received was a small shrug.

"I went a lot of places. Nothing of any real interest." Matt mumbled quietly, voice emotionless and detached sounding, and it was a warning sign to Mello, more so that his standoffish behavior at the club had been.

There was a flatness in Matt tone, one that spoke of a blatant unwillingness to express any of what he was feeling, or anything that might force him to react strongly. And Mello was at odds as to how to deal with it as it had never before been a problem where Matt was concerned.

"Can I smoke in here?" Matt asked, though he had already pulled one out and placed it between his lips. Mello didn't feel the need to answer as he knew Matt would simply light it anyway, or at least he assumed he would. This Matt..... was different from the one he had known.

He knew that it had to have started after he had left Wammys to chase Kira. "When did you leave Wammys?" he asked as casually as possible, and when Matt muttered 'not too long before I turned fifteen' Mello was certain that his departure had been the start of everything. He winced; he honestly hadn't meant to hurt his friend, but where he was going, and had gone, was not something he had wanted Matt in the middle of.

Though he was hardly better off now anyway.

"What happed when you left?" it was similar to his first question and went as unanswered as it as well with Matt simply smoking away on his now lit cancer stick. Mello narrowed his eyes. He wasn't going to get any answers like this...

He ground his teeth together and focused on his chocolate. "I'm sorry I left you there." and really... he was. He had really missed Matt. He could have used his company... and with how Matt had ended up… maybe it would have been better for both of them had he taken him along.

"It's lonely there in the mafia... with only the over makeuped whores and the small brained muscle that infests it.." he trailed off, not quite knowing how to continue. He noted that Matt had glanced at him, and knew he needed to say something, _anything_, more.

"I.." he trailed off before nearly crushing the chocolate in his grasp. "I missed my friend." he said, and it was as good as saying 'I missed _you_' though he couldn't get the last word to form. Matt had completely frozen, thumbs merely hovering over the game buttons and the cigarette practically dangling from his lips; Matt looked away from him, avoiding his gaze completely.

He stayed silent for so damn long afterwards that Mello was certain he wouldn't speak again, so his attention was immediately stolen as Matt's voice came out just above a whisper. "I lived on the streets for a while..."

Mello noted how his gloved hands were now clenched around the gaming device and understood why as the redhead continued on, voice steady and detached.

He crushed the chocolate in his fist; Matt had gotten into far worse shit than he had, and if Mello had known how things would have played out he would have taken Matt along when he left Wammys.

He felt an unfamiliar pang in his chest, one he had so long ago associated with guilt. He regretted it... but he knew Matt wouldn't appreciate it so he didn't say anything and simply watched as Matt's fingers robotically clicked on the buttons though he doubted anything was happening on screen. Nothing good at the least.

The apartment was silent and Mello didn't know how to break it. Didn't know _how_ to talk to anyone anymore, Matt especially. His decision was taken from him as Matt finished his cigarette and stood, game hesitantly being pocketed.

"I need to get going. I'll take a cab and get my car tomorrow..." Matt trailed off and awkwardly started for the door. Mello was stuck. Everything would be odd and awkward if he said anything more now, but if he didn't he somehow _knew_ he would never see his friend again. And Mello wasn't sure he could live with that anymore.

Mello stood up and grabbed Matt's arm gently, the word 'stay' on his lips before he had even registered a single thought.

......... (it wont let me use my divider!!!!)..............

Matt honestly had no idea what the hell had prompted him to agree to go back with Mello... there was no rational explanation. Nothing at all that would help him understand why his arms were suddenly wrapped around the blonde's waist as they raced down the nighttime streets towards Mello's place.

Perhaps he was simply too tired from work to be thinking properly... though he knew that wasn't the case. It was too easy an explanation to have been accurate. But still, he clung tighter to the blonde as they dodged cars and turned corners though there was no need to be so close.

Close enough to smell the rich scent of leather and gunpowder and something that was purely Mello. No reason at all.

It was a bad idea, leaving with Mello, a horrible one even. But Mello was.... Mello was back... and damn if it didn't make him ache at the thought of him leaving again... he couldn't understand it and it had him on edge; enough so that he actually let out a small snort of dark amusement when he saw where Mello lived.

His own place was, while not in a nice neighborhood, better than this. But still, as if being pulled along by invisible strings, he followed the blonde inside the crumbling building. He watched as Mello shoved himself against the door instead of using the lock and wondered how the hell he could live in such conditions and not be paranoid as fuck. The-door-did-not-have-a-lock.

He almost reached out to steady Mello as the door swung inward almost taking Mello with it, but held himself still as he stepped inside. He didn't bother himself with being surprised at the state of the rest of the place, the broken and old furniture as well as burnt out bulbs. Mello probably spent all of his money on his leather.

He seated himself on the couch and pulled out his game; though he couldn't concentrate on it in the least. It was so silent that it was almost oppressive and made him feel queasy. Why the hell had he agreed to come......

"What did you do once you left?" Mello eventually questioned him and Matt knew he had been an idiot to believe that Mello might have dropped the subject. Mello had never been like that, and Matt should have known from the mention of the mafia that he wouldn't have now either. But it didn't mean he had to answer him, so he merely shrugged a shoulder in response and muttered 'I went a lot of places. Nothing of any real interest.' though he doubted Mello believed it.

Matt didn't even believe it... "Can I smoke in here?" he asked as he numbly shoved one in his mouth. Cigarettes had become somewhat of a crutch for him... a stress reliever, and damn if Mello didn't create stress...

Matt winced as Mello asked him when he had left Wammys. There was no real reason for him _not_ to answer... "Not too long before I turned fifteen." and he hated the flashes of memories that fluttered right beneath the surface, ones that he didn't want to think about anymore, not ever.

Matt ignored the next question, it being similar to the very first one. He took a long drag of the cigarette and wondered what Mello's aim was.. what could he possible get out of asking him those things-

"I'm sorry I left you there." Mello told him, in a slightly chipped tone, an uncomfortable tone. Matt found himself unable to tear his gaze from the blonde before him.

"It's lonely there in the mafia... with only the over makeuped whores and the small brained muscle that infests it." Mello trailed off for a moment and Matt could hardly believe what he was hearing. Why was Mello telling him this...?

"I.." Mello hesitated and it made Matt really _look_ at him. The chocolate bar in his grasp was nearly crushed and his posture was all too tense. Whatever it was.... it was _hard _for Mello to say.

"I missed my friend." he said finally and Matt could hardly breathe. Mello had.... Mello had missed him? He couldn't move, fingers stuck above the buttons as though he were a statue. He wanted to scream at the blonde, 'then why did you leave _me_?!', but that reaction was short lived and he had to turn his away from Mello's penetrating gaze.

Mello had been his friend once... his _only_ friend. And some part of Matt still wanted to tell him what he swore he would never tell another soul...

"I lived on the streets for a while..." he forced the words from his lips and it took an effort to keep going from there. He didn't once look at Mello, didn't want to see his expression as Matt admitted to everything that had lead to him being at the club.

Matt felt that in some way, despite having previously banished the blonde terror from his thoughts, that he had let Mello down... that Mello had to feel, at least a little, disgusted by him for what he had done to survive despite Mello himself being in the mafia; which was no way to stay a saint. Matt knew that Mello wouldn't have fucked his way through the ranks to whatever his current position was.

That Mello had too much pride to use his body in such a way; he would have wanted to prove himself using _only_ his intelligence and only his intelligence. He would want to lord it over them in the way he never got to with Near, because everything came back to the blonde's inferiority complex and his inability to suppress his raging emotions when it was truly needed.

At least the Mello he knew would have...

Matt forced his fingers to start working, to start randomly clicking buttons. He didn't like being unsettled, and liked even less appearing so. Even after all the years that had passed, Mello really was the only one who could affect him so much.

He resisted the urge to hang his head in shame, and instead stood. He had to leave, and told Mello as such. Though it was simply because he couldn't stand to be in the blonde's presence anymore... because he didn't want to see what was in Mello's eyes...

And Mello hadn't said a damn word so he knew he was making the right choice. He wouldn't leave the club, but he would warn the manager of what to expect. So perhaps he wouldn't 'be' there anymore should Mello come looking for him.

He had only managed a few heavy footed steps towards the door when Mello's hand carefully took hold of his arm, startling him into staying still. "Stay."

His heart pounded in his ears and his breath caught in his chest, cigarette falling to the floor. Mello had asked, despite the lack of question in his voice, and despite everything, or maybe because of it... Matt just simply couldn't tell him no.

_-End Let me... Stay-_

**AN:** W00t another chapter bites the dust. So how was it? *peaks out from under desk*

Not too unbelievable I hope? I needed to get Matt's pov in here or I wouldn't be able to get the progression of the fic the way I wanted.... though I am still debating as to _where_ the next chapter will take place....

**Special thanks to reviewers**: theBlackcat96, -Your-Spellx.X, im a molly doll, schoolkid, Sisyphean Effort, Nothing's Sorrow, Aoayame, Salvi, Zellicy, Viole.n.t Thursday, Keono, critter141151, Living in a fantasy, Beyond'sWaraNingyo, PrincessPika

**Review?**


	7. Part 7: Fool for You

**Disclaimer:** See previous one

**AN**: Erm... yeah sorry for not updating this... it just wasn't written. :)

I have decided that I will add Mello/Matt pov's in each chapter if needed. Sometimes I just cant continue the scene with one POV so... not that you care as it makes my updates longer.

BTW I hate ffnet. Fuckers took away some types of the dividers so I have to go back to ALL of my fics and add different ones in. CSers!

**Suggested Listening**: Fool for You **by** Karmina

Part 7

_~Fool for You~_

Sounds came back to him first. Or-lack-there-of. All around him was complete and utter silence and yet it didn't disturb him like he thought it would. He might have opted to stay there, in his half asleep state, a while longer had it not been for the sunlight gleaming into his eyes. And the absolute horrible pain of something poking into his side.

With a quiet sigh Matt groped the ground for his goggles and it was only as his gloveless fingers touched them did he remember _why _he wasn't sleeping in a bed. He froze as his entire body locked up, muscles tense and he had to force himself to simply _breathe._

Mello...

He took a few steadying breaths and sat up on the well worn couch; he had adamantly refused to sleep in the bed beside the blond last night, had simply not wanted to deal with it. Matt stood on wobbly legs, cramped from a night of sleeping on a couch too small for his frame, and idly made his way down the hall to find a bathroom. Instead, he found Mello's room first.

His head hurt, his body ached and he felt the cowardly pull in his gut that screamed at him to simply run. To quietly slip his way out of the apartment and never lay eyes on Mello again. But as his eyes roamed across the blonds' sleeping form, his face contorted unhappily even in sleep, he knew that he wouldn't..._. couldn't_, leave.

Mello may have changed, hell he may have changed too, but there was still something between them. Still a friendship pulling them together no matter how tattered and frayed it may be. And despite himself Matt wanted to salvage it... so badly that it hurt.

Matt wasn't sure what life with this new Mello would entail, but he knew it had to be better than the past four years without him had been.

Didn't it?

.

.

.

Mello woke the instant he felt someone watching him. At first he thought about going for the gun underneath his pillow, but the thought had been chased away by the small sigh that escaped, barely noticeable, from his watcher.

Matt; his mind supplied for him.

Matt had stayed. He felt an almost tangible feeling of relief flood him. When he had gone to bed the night before, he had stupidly lain awake worrying at every little sound that the old building supplied... worried that it was the sound of Matt leaving. It was ridiculous, as he was in the mafia, that something like that should worry him so much...

Matt's eyes never left his form and Mello found that it no longer made him uncomfortable now that he knew who it was, and the fog of sleep crept back to him and dulled his scenes. His breathing relaxed, so slow he was almost asleep again, when a shrill ring broke though the haze and he sat bolt upright. He was already reaching for his cell phone before he had even registered it and had it answered as his eyes locked with Matt's.

He was only half paying attention to the words being spoken to him, his focus on Matt. He was half leaned against the door frame, only having done so after he had 'woken' up, with his arms crossed against his wrinkled shirt. Matt hadn't replaced his goggles and even across the distance he could clearly see his green eyes, a color so brilliant it had only existed in his memories for so long.

"Alright, I'll be there soon. Don't fuck anything else up in the meantime." he found himself saying despite not quite registering the conversation for another full minute after the call had ended. He had to go back to base.

"I have to go back. I can take you back to... your car?" he had almost said 'workplace' but in the end couldn't get the distasteful words to form in his mouth. He hated, absolutely detested, the fact that Matt, of all people, worked there... but he didn't have time to dwell on it at the moment and instead continued to stare at Matt until the redhead nodded hesitantly.

Mello would have liked to have simply stayed in the apartment with Matt, but the mafia and Kira waited for no one, so he shoved the blankets off himself and stood. He trod, naked, over to his wardrobe and gathered the necessary leather items and dressed himself, not caring if Matt was watching or not.

What bothered him... was that he had hoped Matt was.

"Get ready, we'll be leaving in five." he called out, loud enough for Matt to have heard him from the other room and soft enough not to be shouting. Turning, he wasn't completely surprised to see Matt still leaned against the doorway, face turned away from him, flushed.

He felt a jolt of _something _in his chest, but ignored it in favor of walking passed the redhead and into the kitchen to get his boots. He didn't know how long it had taken him to finish dressing, but Matt had stayed rooted to the same spot for the entire time, and it wasn't until he had his keys in hand did the redhead move back down the hallway and into the main room.

Matt awkwardly placed his boots on and tugged his goggles firmly in place, obscuring his eyes from view. Mello withheld a sigh and gestured to Matt who followed him from the apartment; the door went unlocked again.

Mello took some amusement in Matt's discomfort in riding behind him; his arms didn't grip him as tightly as before despite how close Matt had unconsciously pressed himself. Mello didn't want to take him to his car... to that place... but he knew it would be a while before he could even think of addressing Matt on that issue.

He frowned in distaste as the familiar building loomed in the distance and wished Matt hadn't caught sight of it; he had been sorely tempted to simply drive further and further away from it...

He slowed down once in the parking lot, void of most vehicles, it being daylight, though there were a few besides Matt's own. Mello didn't want to leave him again, not so soon after so damn long, but knew there would be conciseness should he not show up at the base.

"Matt give me your phone." he demanded lightly the moment Matt had gotten off the motorbike. He couldn't see Matt's eyes but he could see Matt understood why he'd asked from the hesitancy in following the instruction.

There was a tense moment of silence in which Mello began to worry. What if Matt really _didn't_ want to stay in contact?

But the thought was chased away the second Matt reached into his pocket and pulled out his phone and held it out. Mello almost thanked him. Instead he flipped it open and programmed his number into it.

"I put my number in there..." he said, though he knew Matt had already guessed as much.

He watched as something unreadable crossed Matt's expression before he simply held out his palm, the one not holding his own phone, and Mello smiled as Matt took his phone and imputed his own number.

Though there was the dark thought that it wasn't actually Matt's number...

"As soon as I fix what those idiots at base have done, I'll give you a call. I promise." Mello didn't wait for a reply, and instead sped off. Matt may not be certain about it... but he had given him another chance... or at least was almost to the point that he would. And that was all that Mello could ask for.

_-End Part 7-_

**AN: **Yay another part down... erm... the only idea I stuck in this part was the thought of Matt on the motorbike with Mello... though I admit the original thought ended in something kinky... bur I have that saved for a different fic now as it didn't fit here….. heh. I kinda couldn't put that in here though. :p

Also, yes I am that annoying. **End Transmission** (my new novel length fic which is currently 4k away from being LONGER than Choices) is now out. Give It a read and drop a review please? I'd like to know how its doing.

**Special thanks to reviewers**: RainbowJapan, foreverunloved, im a molly doll, Living in a fantasy, critter131151, Sisyphean Effort, Salvi, theBlackcat96, Aoayame, -Your-Spellx.X, Deadly Relativism, Keono, PrincessPika, Secret Nerd97, DiabolicaJeevas, Beyond'sWaraNingyo, schoolkid, Zellicy


	8. Part 8: The Cross

**Disclaimer**: I don't own Death Note.

**Suggested Listening**: The Cross **by** Within Temptation

Part 8

_~The Cross~_

Matt grit his teeth as he pushed the speedometer on his car and swerved around cars and ignored the honking and shouts. He was pissed, and that was an understatement.

The last few months had been trying, to say the least.

Mello had indeed called him after a few days, and though he would never admit it to anyone especially Mello, he had jumped to grab his phone as it rang. But being around Mello hadn't been easy, not that Matt had expected it to be.

There was a darkness, an almost haunted look, that lingered in the blonds' eyes that stayed no matter the situation. Though Matt couldn't say if it would have stayed had Mello genuinely laughed...

They were both different people, and Matt hardly knew the person Mello had become and he wondered if Mello would say the same. Mello had long bouts of silences where he would simply sit, chocolate poised by his lips, and stare off at some invisible scene only he could see.

But it wasn't the same sort of quiet as before. His silence held something deeper, something odd, something incomplete. As though parts of Mello were missing after so many years...

And Matt hadn't known what to make of it, hadn't known if it was worth the effort despite Mello having made the first step to keep their fragile friendship together. Matt knew that if it hadn't been for the blond that he would have given up on it completely. And yet despite that, he had been glad to have Mello back in his life.

Matt raced alongside another car before pulling out in front of it despite the cursing he received.

_Had been_. Until Mello had decided to_ demand _that he leave the club. His eyes narrowed and he pressed the gas all the way to the floor as he was flooded with fury once more. Mello had no right to demand _anything _of him...

A nasty fight had broken out over it, though no fists had been thrown, and Mello had stormed out of his own apartment to go wherever-the-fuck. Matt didn't honestly care at the moment.

Matt understood that he was possibly throwing the entire situation out of proportions, but after not seeing Mello for _years,_ the blond comes back into his life, his existence, and thinks he has a say in _anything_ he did and it pissed him off.

The rational part of his mind understood Mello, wanted to listen to him even, but he was just so damn angry and couldn't do anything more than ignore it. Matt had always been rebellious, in his own way, and he gave into that side as he pulled up to the club, tires screeching as he skidded to a stop.

Adrenaline was coursing through his veins alone with an anger that surprised even Matt. He needed a distraction, he needed to do something that would rid him of his thoughts... he wanted to do something to hurt _him_.

It was stupid, and petulant, but he shoved all protesting thoughts from his head as he wrenched open the heavy doors and walked inside. He was instantly on edge and at ease at the same time. The smell and sounds and atmosphere completely familiar to him as was the nature of the place.

"Matt, it's your day off what are you doing here?"

He jerked his head to look at the manager and forced his lips to smile. "I want a room." the older man looked surprised but gave him a once over before grinning.

"Whatever you are running from you won't find it here. Take 2, its open." the manager waved him off and Matt was almost relieved. The gleam in the man's eyes said that he would be getting paid for his time in 2. He would get what he wanted, and so would the manager.

He had just gotten stripped down to his boxers and shirt when the door opened; he didn't glance back to see who had come in and instead pulled his shirt overhead and laid the stripped piece on the chair before him.

Matt closed his eyes, in shame or pleasure he wasn't sure, as hands slide along his sides and down to the hem of his boxers...

.

.

.

It was well passed midnight when he returned to his apartment sore, slightly bruised and feeling worse than before he had left Mello's place. Guilt was a bitch when she decided to reveal herself.

He lit a cigarette as he shut the door and thought back to all the smoke he had seen billowing upwards from another portion of the city. There was nothing on the news about it, or at least not on the radio, and he wondered if there had been some sort of explosion.

Matt slumped into his bed and tossed an arm across the pillow and breathed in deeply. He was tired... but not enough so to sleep... not enough to escape his thoughts...

He laid there for a long while, simply enjoying the silence, when his phone started to ring. He knew who it was, and stuffed his head under the pillow in protest. But it kept ringing. And when Matt had finally thought it had ended it started again. He sighed irritably and snatched it off the countertop. "What?"

"M-matt..."

All his anger melted away at the sound of Mello's voice. But he wasn't given time to say anything.

"Thanks for picking up..." Mello trailed off and Matt winced at the hacking cough that the blond released, it didn't sound good, wet, as though there was something in his lungs.

"..can you come get me, I'm outside your apartment. I tried to make it further..." Mello's voice had started to fade out around the middle of the sentence and Matt felt worry crawl from deep within his chest as he sprang from the bed, nearly dropping the phone in his haste.

"Mello?" he asked as he rushed out the front door, and though there hadn't been an answer Matt could hear the ragged breaths on the line. There was no sign of the blond in the hallway but he stopped short after two steps into the stairwell.

There was blood on the wall, a hand print, and a long streak downwards. He followed the line and found Mello crumpled on the floor and covered in blood, phone lying by his ear and half rolled out of his hand. He had burns on his left side, what looked like pieces of metal sticking out of him and who knew what else wrong with him.

Matt shoved his phone into his pocket, and after a moments hesitation, carefully gathered Mello into his arms and lifted him off the ground. When Mello didn't respond at all, when Matt knew the wounds would have had most people screaming, he felt the worry turn to fear.

He refused to lose Mello again, but he had no idea what to do.

-End Part 8-

**AN**: Wow... this one was easy to write after the last chapter. Wrote it in one go... bad Matty right?

Thoughts?

**Special thanks to reviewers**: Chasing, Salvi, Living in a fantasy, Keono, foreverunloved, critter141151, PrincessPika, Beyond'sWaraNingyo, Miharu is Haruka's Love Child, RainbowJapan, im a molly doll, schoolkid

Review?


	9. Part 9: Stay Alive

**Disclaimer:** See previous

**AN**: Damn. 16 reviews last chapter, why cant I get that for **End Transmission** (it's because the abbreviation is **ET** isn't it? XD)

**Suggested Listening**: Stay Alive **by** Smile Empty Soul (awesome band, I suggest you listen to their stuff)

Part 9

_~Stay Alive~ _

If asked, Mello _might_ have admitted he had made a mistake.

He shot a few more rounds off into the wall and closed his eyes as a few of them flew back at him, missing him by inches. He shouldn't have asked the way he had... demanded...

His lips pulled back into a snarl and he kicked the wall.

Matt just didn't fucking understand!

But he couldn't expect Matt to understand when he couldn't even explain it. Why he felt angry towards everyone who set eyes on Matt that wasn't _him_. For the people who wanted to touch him, and probably fantasized about him. He hated them.

He hated himself more for not being able to tell Matt the reasons why he didn't want him at the club anymore.

He clenched the trigger again and again until the chamber held no more, and even then his anger wasn't abated. Throwing the gun across the room he slammed his fist against the wall.

Things had been going alright between them, amazing as he seemed to be the only one to give a shit about their friendship in the first place, until he had gone to get Matt from work and seen him on that damn stage again. Doing those things that had people tossing money up there, reaching out to touch him when he got too close to the edge.

Mello had felt rage, and something far more depressing, bubble to the surface and all he had wanted was to burn the club to the ground and maybe even dance in the ashes. He had never liked places like that before, and with Matt working there, he liked them a hell of a lot less.

He hadn't said anything to Matt as he drove them back to his apartment, Mello having driven him there earlier as he had an errand to run, and even then he had downed two bars of dark chocolate before he had even attempted to speak to the redhead.

Mello knew he wasn't the most subtle person, and he had tried to form his thoughts into acceptable words, but every time his thoughts simply drifted back to that stage and everything just spilled out resulting in a shouting match between the two of them.

He had never been good at negotiating unless it was with a gun in hand and his fist in the other persons face, so he knew he shouldn't have been surprised that his attempt in actually talking to Matt had failed so spectacularly.

"Goddamn it!" he swore. But the look on Matt's face... he would be lucky if Matt spoke to him again anytime soon. The only thing that consoled him was that he had gotten the murder notebook and testing it had gone well, ending in most of the SPK being killed. Near, sadly not included.

Mello squeezed his eyes tightly together and took a deep calming breath and repeated the latter a few more times until the anger had left him. There were things to do... things he needed to keep his mind occupied with. His troubles with Matt... had to come second.

Or so he told himself as he stalked from the room. No one dared speak or even so much as look at him in the hallways, probably having heard him shooting and not wanting to be on the receiving end of it.

He sat on the striped couch and pulled up his laptop, that had not been touched in his absence, onto the seat next to him. He briefly glanced at the shinigami on the screen, sneering at the hideous creature, before checking the rest of the cameras. There was nothing going on.

Mello looked up as something flew across the room and he instinctively caught it before it struck him in the face. It was a bar of chocolate, an expensive dark brand. Rod grinned before he turned back to the women at his side. He didn't care if his outburst had been obvious. He didn't even care that they all knew that chocolate calmed him. He unfolded the edged and instead of snapping off a piece he sucked gently on a corner, letting it hang out of the corner of his mouth.

There were so many things he needed to be thinking about, but he was too damn distracted to do so and he hated it. Everything fell back to-

"Arggg!" he stared calmly, uneasily calm, as those around him clutched at their chests and fell into heaps on the floor, groaning, before they became nothing more than lifeless corpses. He violently snapped off a piece of chocolate, no longer wanting the calming effect of the slow melting, and stared blankly at the surveillance even as he heard the blasts of them being invaded.

Kira, was all he could think.

Sidoh was still standing there straight as a statue and unmoving. Perhaps he had been a fool to have posted a shinigami as a watcher. He sprung into action and as he darted across the room he spied the notebook underneath Rods body and shouted at two subordinates to grab it as he hurried up the steps.

At that point the notebook was only a secondary concern, he was almost single minded in his need to get to the detonators. He kept on until he reached the large room illuminated only by the screens of computers. He swiftly grabbed the detonator and clicked off the screens. He had only just sat on the desk, consumed by shadows, when a figure stood in the doorway searching the room with its measly light.

He wouldn't be seen. He pressed one of the buttons and explosions rang out as the exits crumbled. "That was only the entrance, next time the entire place will go up." immediately the light shifted again and his face was illuminated.

He sat, frozen, as his name was spoken to him. They had a name and a face. It didn't matter if he hid anymore. He flicked the screens back into life and hacked out a laugh. It was Yagami again.

He really didn't want to kill him, and he told him so, but the man had left him no choice and he didn't spare it another thought as Jose rolled onto his back and peppered Yagami's back with bullets, more than enough bullets to go through all that protective gear.

He hastily shoved on the gas mask, he didn't need anyone else seeing his face, and he certainly didn't want to be without protection if he had to...

Jose was shot dead by one of the men now standing in the doorway. There was no getting out. They would shoot him if he tried anything, and the second his face was seen he was as good as dead.

He waited, for just another second, before he lifted his hand in resignation...

_I'm sorry Matt_

...he pressed the bottom button. The room exploded and everything became a blur.

**_-End Stay Alive-_**

**AN:** Yay for cannon right? no.

**Special thanks to reviewers**: Yaoiluver190, lovelykate, im a molly doll, Living in a fantasy, theBlackcat96, Salvi, Miharu is Haruka's Love Child, Bedessica, Chasing, Keono, Zellicy, critter141151, Beyond'sWaraNingyo, schoolkid, , PrincessPika

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	10. Part 10: To Live Without It

**Disclaimer:** see previous

**AN**: Yes, I did choose this song for a reason. XD

**Suggested Listening**: To Live Without It by The Spill Canvas.

Part 10

~_To Live Without It_~

Matt would never speak of the early days, the ones after he had found Mello half dead in his apartments stairwell. The days where Mello, after Matt had been able to stabilize him by _some miracle_ because by all rights he should have died in the first day, was an incoherent mess and filled the apartment with pained sobs and angered sleep mutterings.

The days where Mello often called him Mail rather than Matt in his fever induced delirium... the days where he had bee so close to death that Matt didn't think Mello even understand how fucking lucky he was... The days where Mello looked so damned helpless and fragile that Matt was afraid to change the bandages covering his marred form.

Matt would never speak of those days to Mello; not even if Mello held him at gun point, not even if Mello _asked_.

During that entire time he hadn't gone to the club once, had simply told the manager he was taking time off and hadn't gone back since. Hadn't had the time or the mind to between caring for Mello and sleeping away his exhaustion and worry.

Matt had felt the anxiety, that horribly anxious feeling, pile up in his system day after day. It was so damn hard to watch Mello as he was. So damn injured that the simple act of lifting his head sent him into agony and standing nearly caused him to pass out. To slowly see his wounds healing into a scar that would never fade...To see Mello's mind subdued by pain... it was too much.

He had wanted any excuse to get out of the apartment, even for five minutes, and had nearly begged until Mello decided he was well enough for something other than canned soup. Matt had been more than happy to 'drag' himself out of the apartment to get takeout for the injured blond.

And he honestly had only meant to go out and get dinner, as he knew Mello was waiting for him back at home, but his path took him passed the one place he shouldn't go back to. Knew he didn't need to go to...

He had an itch to scratch, and knew going there _wouldn't _fix it, knew it was only a temporary patch, knew that if he faltered, all of those months away from it would come crashing back down on him an mean nothing, knew that he would get sucked back into that world.. knew that it was betraying _him._...

And despite his conflicted thoughts, he found himself parking his car out front and walking inside the dimly lit club.

-End Part 10-

**AN**: A rather short chapter I know, but thats why i'm posting it early...

**Special thanks to reviewers**: Living in a fantasy, Zellicy, critter141151, xzombieViolinistx, Chasing, Salvi, Yaoiluver190, PrincessPika, im a molly doll, schoolkid, Beyond'sWaraNingyo

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	11. Part 11: Sympathy

**Disclaimer:** Still don't own Death Note.

**AN**: You NEED to listen to the song for the chapter to be as intended. The song literally FITS the chapter COMPLETLY. Really, I implore you to listen to it for this.

**Suggested Listening:** Sympathy **by** Karmina

Part 11

_~Sympathy~_

Mello had known something was wrong, that something was off, for the past few days. Matt had been acting _guilty_ ever since he had woken up in bed and covered in rolls of bandages and feeling as though his body was in hell. And Matt's behavior had gotten steadily worse and Mello had finally had enough of it; he was in constant pain from his healing burns, the act of walking caused him enough agony to not try it again anytime soon, and he just wanted the tenseness between them to leave.

"Matt what the hell is your problem? What happened while you were out the other night to make you feel so damn guilty?" he sighed through his words, his exhaustion extinguishing his anger before it could even form. He looked at Matt, who was seated in the armchair across from the couch he was slumped in.

Matt looked like a deer caught in headlights and Mello knew it couldn't be good. He narrowed his eyes and sat up a little, hissing in pain, and making it completely clear with his expression alone that Matt needed to tell him. Whatever it was, was seriously bothering the redhead and in turn bothering him, not that he would let Matt know the last part...

Matt seemed torn and indecisive for a few moments before he dropped his gaze, fingers paused over his game.

"I never told you.. but I went back to the club after our fight, the night of the explosion. I was _in_ one of the rooms. And I... went back the other night." Matt's voice had drifted to a whisper towards the end but he had still been clearly heard.

Mello felt as though all of the air had been taken from his lungs, as though someone had kicked him straight in the gut with steel-toed boots. Matt had done that after their fight... and had gone back recently? He had stayed away for so long... and he had gone back for _that_?

He didn't know how to react to that. He really didn't.

He forced himself to stand, though he didn't dare try to take any steps yet, the pain from moving more than enough to keep him still.

"Mello I... I hadn't planned on going back..." Matt pleaded quietly.

But you _did_, he thought.

Mello wished he felt anger... wished he could feel _something;_ but it was as though he had suddenly been emptied of all emotions.

"I know it was a stupid thing to do but I just needed-"

"Be quiet." he muttered. He knew all the places where he had weapons hidden, a few were even within reach. He shook his head slightly. He was surprised that the thought had had even crossed his mind. What the hell would he even do, certainly not hurt Matt...maybe the fuckers who had touched him…

"Mello your bandages-"

"Just stop. Leave me alone." he shakily turned, a brief moment of vertigo causing him to pause, and stumbled out of the room as he left the stunned redhead in the armchair. He couldn't... he really shouldn't have believed that Matt would listen to him, especially after that fight before the explosion. Matt hadn't made things easy since their reunion, and Mello had been so fucking _stupid_ to believe that things would stay good. But Matt wasn't the problem. He was.

_His_ feelings were the issue.

The delayed spark of betrayal flooded his senses and nearly toppled him as he reached the bedroom. It wasn't Matt's fault that he had left him at Wammys... and left him to get used to that life... wasn't Matt's fault that he wasn't enough to break the cycle that had been Matt's entire existence for four whole years..

he _wasn't _enough...

...in anything he did.

And maybe it was just the weight of the last few months... years... finally taking their toll on his mind, but Matt's admittance that someone else had touched him again, just when he had begun to _understand_ that he truly cared for Matt more than a friend should, more like a lover, crushed him.

His burns itched painfully and his breathing had elevated from his idiocy in moving to the bedroom. He couldn't tell which pain it was that made him shake, and he didn't care, he hated it just the same.

The aching in his chest overwhelmed that of his burns and he crumbled to the bed and turned his back to the door, lying on his side. His fingers gripped the sheets tightly in his fingers, as tightly as the weakened muscles could and he simply laid there with his eyes closed. He cared for Matt. And he could never tell him... because he wasn't... enough.

Mello felt the bed dip and realized he hadn't even heard Matt come down the hallway; cold fingers gently touched his shoulder and he flinched away, he didn't want Matt near him...

Matt pulled back but didn't leave, wouldn't leave him like this, and instead curled up on the other side of the bed. Matt didn't say a word, simply kept his back gently touching his. His fingers were white knuckled and it was all Mello could do to keep his emotions at bay. It was all he could do...

_-End Part 11-_

**AN:** Yay for drama? Hehehe.

**Special thanks to reviewers**: Living in a fantasy, Keono, critter141151, mattxmelloxnearxl, foreverunloved, Miharu is Haruka's Love Child, im a molly doll, RainbowJapan, theBlackcat96, xzombieViolinistx, lovelykate, SuperSaiyanKiri, Zellicy, yvonna, schoolkid, PrincessPika,Beyond'sWaraNingyo

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	12. Part 12: So What If You Come Closer?

**Disclaimer**: See previous.

**Suggested Listening**: So What If You Go? **by** Adelitas Way; Come Closer **by** Delain

Part 12

~_So What If You Come Closer?~_

Things had been strained since that night, since Matt had told him...

Matt had begun to work for him, rather than with him, on the Kira case and Mello had honestly thought everything would sort itself out after he had calmed down, after he'd had his time to agonize of it. But after weeks on end of the same listless behavior and chipped conversation between them, he realized it might never do so as he and Matt were still at odds.

And he... still cared for him.

Now Mello was able to stand and walk without the threat of passing out, and his burns no longer needed a constant bandage covering them, and yet his and Matt's relationship seemed to be stuck in limbo.

Matt was more distant, but a different sort of distant than when he had first found him. And though he wanted things fixed, or at least back to the same sort of half friendship they'd had before the explosion, Kira had to be dealt with first.

The more bitter parts of him blamed Kira for this, for everything. Him and Near. For without them Mello would have had no reason to leave Wammys, and Matt wouldn't have broken down as he had in their time apart.

And despite the tickle of pain it brought to his chest he knew those thoughts would have continued had he not needed Matt for a hacking job. Matt had been spending more and more time at his own place unless Mello went over there or he required Matt in person. It bothered Mello how much they had regressed but he wasn't about to give in so easily.

He called Matt's cell and knew that after the fifth ring he would have to go over there. Either Matt had headphones on or was in the shower, he answered all other times, even in his sleep.

Mello sighed as he shoved his helmet on and rushed down the steps. He was in no real hurry but there was no need to dilly dally either. He felt some of the tension inside ease a little as he sped off down the street, the familiar feeling and hum of the engine calming him a little.

He didn't know why, but he had felt uneasy the entire day, as though he were waiting for something to happen. He couldn't explain it and it had sent his stomach in knots until he'd had a shot of brandy to sooth it.

He weaved in and out of traffic expertly and was parked outside of Matt's apartment in half the time it should have taken with all the traffic. He pulled out his keys and unlocked the door, letting himself inside.

It smelled of stale smoke and vomit upon entry, far worse than it ever had before and Mello wrinkled his nose in disgust. "Matt?" he called as he stepped over a wayward take-out wrapper that had failed to reach it over piled destination. Matt had certainly let the place go...

The shower wasn't running and Matt wasn't in the main room and Mello felt an odd surge of paranoia when he realized Matt wasn't there at all. He rang his cell again and grimaced as the ringtone 'cold hard bitch' blasted from the kitchen. Matt had left his phone.

He grit his teeth and stormed from the apartment with an odd feeling of betrayal gnawing at his gut. He wouldn't be there, he told himself. He wouldn't. Not again... right?

And despite all the placating thoughts he found that he stumbled on the stairs, taking them three at a time, and was on the road before he had even registered getting on the bike.

Matt hardly left the apartment for anything unless it was take-out or cigarettes, the only exception, which Mello dreaded, was the club. He urged the bike faster and not for the first time cursed himself for delaying the flight to NYC to get his damned picture. Matt wouldn't have had the time to-

His thoughts stopped abruptly as he entered the clubs parking area. He didn't see Matt's car. But all available spots were filled so it didn't mean anything. He had forgotten his helmet in the apartment so he simply nudged the kickstand in place and sauntered inside.

It was almost a blessing when he didn't see Matt on that irritatingly familiar stage, and he almost sighed in relief, at least until he saw a glimpse of red hair slinking out of a room to the side and wandering down to the changing rooms.

An overweight man in a suit opened the door next and Mello somehow doubted he was an 'employee'.

His stomach flopped as he brushed passed him and he felt his anger grow, could Matt really have...?

Could he really have decided to go back..?

.

.

~Matt~

The second Matt heard the familiar stomp of boots on the floor he knew it was Mello, as none of the girls that worked there wore anything remotely like that, and he knew it wouldn't be a good confrontation, if there even was such a thing as a good confrontation.

"I needed you for a hacking job and you weren't home and you left your cell phone at the apartment. I had hoped you were out getting food, instead I find you here. I thought I told you to quit this fucking place?" though his words were angry Matt could hear the defeat in them, and had to wonder at it.. had Mello taken this as a sort of failure.. but that didn't matter, did it?

"I don't take orders from you anymore Mello, haven't since we were kids. Besides, this place is... good for me, in a way." he winced at the words that spilled from his lips, he wasn't even sure half of it was exactly true anymore...

"Good for you?" Mello snarled. "How the fuck is this good for you? I know you don't like it. There has to be something else to occupy yourself with or what ever it is you think its doing for you." Mello's eyes were wild and.. sad?

Things hadn't exactly been good between them since he had admitted to going back those two times before, but he had needed something to distract him from Mello and the club had certainly done it. He had known that coming back even once would break his resolve... and it had.

Matt sighed, tugging a new shirt over his sweat slicked torso. And when he failed to answer Mello roughly grabbed his arm; though not enough to even begin to hurt him, mostly force him to pay attention, to let him know he was still there. As if Matt could have forgotten...

"It lets me zone out and forget about everything except the present, that moment and nothing else." to forget Mello and his healing injuries, to forget the insane case that was making them both on edge, to forget the forced atmosphere as of late... to simply _forget_.

"It helps you... forget?" Mello almost whispered the last part and Matt winced slightly.

"Yeah, there are a rather good lot of things I'd like to forget, starting from fifteen on." he muttered though he hadn't intended for Mello to hear him, though from the way Mello bowed his head he had.

"How?"

Mello had dropped his arm and Matt started to fasten his belt buckle securely. "It's kind of hard to concentrate on anything when you have a 350 pound guy slamming into you so hard you wont be able to shit right for the next week." he muttered quietly.

"I want you to leave Matt. For good, no more falling back to this... place." and it was Mello's tone that had him looking up. Mello wasn't telling him, not ordering him, in any way, but more of... pleading. Which the blond never had done, and Matt could tell, never did.

"I'll quit working here when you can give up the Kira case." he told Mello, hardly daring to breathe for the painfully silent moment afterwards. He hadn't meant to say that... hadn't meant to make Mello choose.

He looked over and Mello's expressions had closed off and he had frozen. And Matt knew he had his answer when Mello twisted suddenly in place and stormed from the dressing room.

Matt continued on to tug on his boots, pretending that it hadn't hurt him. Hadn't affected him in any way... hadn't hurt worse then when Mello had left the first time, without telling him. But he was lying, was hardly fooling himself as his heart clenched. Because somehow... it was worse _seeing _him walk away and not care at all.

Because Mello had gotten him to care again, after so damn long, only to shove it back in his face. And it hurt so fucking much...

He slid his goggles back over his eyes and shoved a cigarette into his mouth as he walked out a different exit. And the thought that he might have to live with the knowledge that Mello was throwing him away again almost made him double over in agony. He honestly wasn't sure what could give him oblivion this time, if anything at all.

If only his life didn't suck so badly...

-End Part 12-

**AN**: Don't hurt me! *ducks knives* there are two more chapters left, though you may not like them, and then the fic is complete! XD

**Special thanks to reviewers**: Miharu is Haruka's Love Child, Living in a fantasy, im a molly doll, Chasing, Zellicy, critter141151, schoolkid, xzombieViolinistx, SuperSaiyanKiri, Yaoiluver190, Keono, Beyond'sWaraNingyo, theBlackcat96

**Review?** *seriously, your thoughts on this chapter*


	13. Part 13: Dialysis

**Disclaimer**: See previous.

**AN**: Well... I thought the song fit the mood XD. I'd had another one in mind for the chapter (Say Goodbye by Theory of a Deadman) before I heard this band, and then I liked Dialysis better.

**Suggested Listening**: Dialysis **by **It's Alive

Part 13

_~Dialysis~_

Mello hadn't remembered getting onto his motorcycle, hadn't remembered even leaving the room. He had left so damn quickly, his body responding to his thoughts before he had even processed them. He honestly wouldn't have been able to answer if asked where he was headed, because he didn't know. He only knew he needed to think.

He drove on, racing invisible opponents but it did nothing to calm him and had only made him tenser by the time he had stopped. He thought it was oddly fitting that he had stopped there, in the mostly deserted parking lot, of _that_ place.

His boots clunked on the pavement and even more so as he stepped inside of the well worn church. None of the few scattered people inside looked up at the sound of the door closing, and the room was once again bathed in the half darkness.

He found a dark corner to sit in, well away from the other people, and leaned forward, elbows on his knees. He closed his eyes with an inaudible sigh. Things were always so complicated... and Matt had made them more so...

Did he care that much about Matt's well being that he could he simply... give up everything... for him? Could Matt be enough for him.. when he obviously wasn't enough for the redhead?

And who was to say that Matt honestly _would_ stay away from that club, or other clubs? That he even_ could _stay away?

Was it even right for him to ask that of Matt after everything he had done to him, after what Matt had become because of him...

And what of the Kira case and L?

He felt guilt surge within him and was grateful he was already sitting. How could he even _think_ of leaving the case...it was absurd.

A decision had to be reached, what ever what the outcome, otherwise he wouldn't be satisfied no matter what he did.

He cared for Matt. He really did. So much so that it made him ache, sometimes unpleasantly so, in pain. Mello fisted his hair in a gloved hand, face pressed close to his thigh as he leaned further.

He was in love with him, wasn't he, if only a little?

Could he really abandon Matt again... after getting him back, no matter how many pieces his personality seemed to be shattered into...

But equally, could he abandon the Kira case after everything, being _so damn close_ to victory, getting his scar... could he take the loss to Near...?

He was so damn conflicted, and both options were bad. Left him stuck at the bottom. If he left Matt, he knew he would regret it even if he lived through the case. And if he chose Matt, he would forever be haunted by the what if's regarding Kira and Near...

Heart or mind, heart or mind?

He yanked on his hair in frustration and withheld a snarl. For once, Mello had no idea what to do, what to choose.

He found words summoned to his lips, ones he hadn't said in what seemed like forever, and mouthed them silently to himself, running through them thrice over before his posture relaxed and he sat up straight, hands untangling from his hair.

He breathed in deep and was up and back out the doors in a flash.

His decision was made, and it was absolute.

He only hoped he could be forgiven, in time.

-End Part 13-

**AN:** Ahhh! *dodges thrown objects*

And next chapter is the last. And its going to be interesting to say the least XD Um. But I have been in an odd mood lately (so freakn tired ALL THE TIME) so I'm not sure when I'll get it written XD

**Special thanks to reviewers:** dancingsilverwolf, foreverunloved, DiabolicaJeevas, critter141151, im a molly doll, Zellicy, Living in a fantasy, SuperSaiyanKiri,

Salvi, mello-obsessed, Robotic unicorn,Chasing, LsAngel, schoolkid, Sisyphean Effort, Beyond'sWaraNingyo, Miharu is Haruka's Love Child

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	14. Part 14: Refuge from the Wreckage

**Disclaimer**: See previous

**AN**: So here it is... the last chapter. XD  
Don't forget about the poll on my profile, and to review End Transmission XD

**Suggested Listening**: Refuge From the Wreckage **by **It's Alive _(I am so guilty of listening to this on repeat and writing the chapter in one go...)_

Part 14

_~Refuge From the Wreckage~_

Matt shoved the next game console into the box, it being wrapped hastily in a shirt instead of bubble wrap, and stood up. He had been packing things up nearly religiously ever since he'd gotten back to his apartment.

He just didn't want to stay there any longer; there were too many memories now attached to the place, memories that already ate at him, tore at him like a rabid animal. But he didn't want to dwell on them, to dwell on them was to accept them, and to accept them was to accept that... that _he_ had really left.

And he couldn't do that at the moment.

He sighed softly and had just reached for another t-shirt wrapped game when his front door was kicked in. He froze, staring at Mello as the blond stood there in the doorway like some awkward demon from hell. His eyes blazed and his hair was out of sorts but he seemed.. hesitant, despite the determination his expression showed.

Matt's legs twitched at his odd position but he found he couldn't move, being utterly pinned under that gaze like some sort of insect. Hadn't Mello... left him again?

He was more than surprised as Mello strode up to him, door left wide open, and pulled him up from his crouched position to kiss him. He was almost too shocked to do anything. Almost.

Matt felt that familiar desire coil up inside of him, the one he usually tried to burry, and before he could help himself, he kissed back. It was sloppy and rushed, teeth gnashing and tongues sliding against each other uncaringly, but Matt doubted he could have dreamed up anything better.

If this was a goodbye, if Mello walked back out the door afterwards...

The hand in his hair yanked at his scalp and the other one around his waist seemed to burn at his flesh but he couldn't move, breath, until Mello released their mouths however long it was later.

"I want you to quit." Mello muttered against him. His breath hitched in surprise; Mello wanted him to... was Mello really saying...?

"But I can't... I can't give up the Kira case... not yet... just give me a month and I swear in everything I believe that no matter where I am in the case in a month, I'll end it."

Matt hopes dropped slightly, it wasn't the answer he wanted, but he couldn't expect anything more of Mello. He shouldn't have even let that demand slip from his lips in the first place, but if Mello was truthful, than in a month, no matter what, even if Kira hadn't been arrested and Near defeated...

"Mello... you'll really...?" it almost didn't seem believable. Mello had said it, and Matt had seen nothing short of the truth in those eyes but...

"I really do want you to quit... I don't want you working or going anywhere near there anymore..." Mello trailed off and pressed their foreheads together, seemingly uncomfortable with speaking.

"I care for you a lot more than I ever thought possible..." Mello mumbled softly, voice thick with emotion.

Matt blinked. He hadn't expected that, not even after the kiss. He was surprised, but damn if it wasn't a good feeling that caused him to let loose a shaky laugh. He hesitantly kissed the blonds' scarred cheek and allowed himself to be pulled closer, to simply be held.

Nothing was really fixed between them, in fact a whole new can of worms had been opened, and nothing resolved. But Mello wanted him, wanted him so badly he was willing to give up Kira, give up a potential victory over Near, in a month even if the case hadn't ended in that time frame.

And to Matt, that counted for so much more than he could ever hope to express.

-End-

**AN: **so it wasn't quite cannon. And it wasn't quite not cannon... XD

I'll leave it for everyone here to decide what happened in the end; did they live or die? :) bwahaha.

I will leave you all with a parting gift, a long summary of a new fic that is currently in the works (much like G&G was in chapter length)

**The Hunger**: _His heart thudded painfully in his chest as he reached for his gun. The animal growled and released his arm, going for what he assumed was his throat. Matt didn't think and simply thrust the gun in front of him and pulled the trigger. – Matt is attacked by an animal one night and begins to exhibit strange behavior and Mello just doesn't know if he can kill him in the end._

**Special thanks to reviewers**: Nazgurl, Alice4eva, Salvi, im a molly doll, Living in a fantasy, Chasing,  
critter141151, Yaoiluver190, Zellicy, SuperSaiyanKiri, Beyond'sWaraNingyo, Miharu is Haruka's Love Child

See you later,

~gami


End file.
